How my my heart hates this world, yet loves it within the same breath. It is filled with sorrow, and anger at what surrounds me everyday. It cries out, and rejoices within the moments. What a conflicted creature am I that such emotions fill my heart from beginning to end of day, and yet, I rejoice in that conflicted being which I have become.
There are times that I feel as though the waves of grief shall overcome my mind, and overwhelm my heart. I cry out to the Lord to take away this agony of which plagues my heart daily since I can remember. The reply has continued to be the same, one of which I thought was silent apathy for my circumstance, but now, blessed with new wisdom and understanding, I realize that that silence was not truly silence. It was a calling to search for the answers. To pursue knowledge, to desire wisdom, to crave understanding.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
The irony of this passage being written by an apostle who shares my name is not lost on me. This is not the first time I have turned to this verse during my struggles, yet, in these last few weeks, it is one that has taken on a new meaning within my life. Now, allow me to clarify, I am not, will not, have not, cannot compare myself to such a pillar within the church. I doubt my own ability to be able to have such an impact as he, not saying God cannot use me, but that is just the point, it would have to be God. On a side note, without God's intervention, Paul would not have the impact within the church as he did....perhaps I will write a separate entry on this another time.
"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me" 2 Corinthians 12: 7-8
We all have our own struggles in life, and none of us should ever endeavor to compare our struggles to one another in order to determine which struggle is greater. This is folly, and undeserving of the time and effort that it would take to place in this. It is much like the folly of comparing sins, which, in my belief, we are not in a position to do. In saying this, I am not saying sin does not carry an earthly punishment that needs to be carried out, but, rather, we should not compare our sins to each others in a vain attempt to figure out who is "less sinful." Again, I say this is folly, and a complete waste of our time. Each man and woman are allowed to struggle, has blocks within his or her path where they must overcome. To my brothers and sisters in Christ who may be reading this, I implore you to never allow yourself to think you are above others because of your salvation. Within this same though, I must implore you again to not allow yourselves to fall into thinking that others struggles are less impactful than your own. Allow yourself to think on your own struggles within life, the ones that never go away, and remember how often you struggle with it, how many times you have pleaded with God to "take the thorn from your side," and have met the answer "My grace is sufficient."
“...My grace is sufficient..." 2 Corinthians 12:9
For me, these thorns have been a persistent struggle with depression, and anxiety. At some point last year, I wrote a theory about different types of hearts, and compared mine to that of glass. It seeks to have understanding, wisdom, and knowledge (a persistent request I have made within my prayers) shone onto it in order to refract the light into the corners of my soul in order to change me for the better. I know this sounds like a kind of thing a stoner would write, but bear with me. The problem with this type of heart is that it is very fragile. In my case, it has broken alot for various reasons over the years, but the main theme behind alot of these "fractures within the glass" is due to the understanding of how broken the world truly is. For others, this is not so much of a problem, as they can see the brokenness of the world and not allow it to affect them so deeply, yet, it seems to cut very deep within my own heart. Many were the night, especially during the times I was struggling with depression, where I couldn't seem to stop the torrent of tears for the broken world I seemed to be in, and the brokenness I was a part of. Even worse was the feeling that I was unable to help the world in any substantial way. It was within these times that I gained a greater understanding and respect of God's grace and love for us.
Let us take the pitbull for example (the dog, not the rapper). This is a dog, a loyal beast whom we humans, within our sinful nature, transformed into a fighting animal. We now look at this canine with trepidation because we are afraid it might attack someone. Instead of attempting to fix the issue we humans caused, a majority look at it and wish to kill it off, or not have the dog around them at all.
How much greater is our God's love for us? We were not forced to disobey Him when we were in the garden, we willingly did so because of our impatience, greed, and vanity. After this, God set in place ways to continue to have a relationship with Him, and we refuse Him still until the world becomes so evil that God decides to kill off almost all of His creation, save one family. He couldn't bring himself to clean the slate completely. Would it not have been easier to wipe the slate clean and start again? And yet, we see that Noah and his family is allowed to live, and continue on. Sin continues to grow within the world after the flood, and so God sets in motion a plan to offer salvation through the sacrifice of His own Son. If this is not an example of love, not only from the Father, but also from the Son. Jesus allowed Himself to be the sacrifice that would offer us salvation. Who does that? Who would be willing to sacrifice themselves for the sake of another, let alone the sake of the human race. A race that openly defies God through glorifying sin no less. This is love. How greater is the love he shows us, the rebellious race He created, and continually offers salvation to? He hasn't killed us off, but offers opportunity after opportunity for us to come to Him and embrace Him and the love He has to offer us.
If He loves us so much then, why are these thorns so persistently stuck within our lives? If not for my struggle through depression, anxiety, and a constant feeling of brokenheartedness, I would not have come to this understanding and appreciation of God's love not the respect for the answer I have constantly received when I asked for that burden to be lifted.
"...My Grace is sufficient...." 2 Corinthians 12:9
Yes, we will struggle. Some of us will struggle with depression, anxiety, brokenheartedness, loneliness, etc. Some will struggle with health issues, be it cancer, heart issues, autoimmune issues, or whatever else (as a nursing student, I have a whole dictionary full of health issues I could list, but then I don't need a copyright strike against my page) These are things of life, and of the sinful world which we reside in. These things will persist until the end of days.
Yes, God can fix these problems, remove the thorns, if He wants to, but there are times where we need to observe the silence that we receive as a reply. That silence can seem deafening at times, but often there is a lesson which we need to learn from that struggle, we just have to be open to the lesson.
If we gain that understanding of the lesson we needed to learn, does that guarantee the struggle we are going through will cease? Certainly not, for are times in which we will continue to struggle in order to gain understanding in other areas, or to be placed in the proper position in order to be used for God's glory. Also, if you look back, you may notice that once one issue solves itself, another seems to pop up in its place. This doesn't mean that God is the cause of these issues that pop up, that we struggle due to some sin that persists within our lives or our loved one's lives, but rather, He can use these things for His glory, we only need to be open to the opportunities as they come, and stay faithful. Trust in He who knows us more than we know ourselves.
"Trust in He who knows us more than we know ourselves. "
In closing, I again implore you to remember and take to heart what I have said, do not compare the sins of others to your own. Each person walks a different path than your own, and who are you to cast judgement on them. You are not omniscient, nor do you know what lies within their hearts. You are are worth no more or less than that of another person, regardless of any status or position in life you might hold. Give praise to God during your times of struggle, and seek out understanding from Him. Look for the opportunities to glorify Him, for in this you will be blessed. Do not be disheartened when your prayers are not answered, for all things shall work for the glory of God.
And to those of you who see your brothers and sisters struggling, Christian or not, help them. Walk with them, seek understanding and knowledge from their struggle, Listen to them, not to reply and try to correct their lives, but to understand their struggle and what it means to them. For within their struggle, you might be a beacon of God's light within their the storm of life they are in. Seek the opportunities to show God's love to others, regardless of how small that opportunity might seem, for that small thing you do that, to you, seemed like a pebble dropped in an ocean of darkness might just cause a tidal wave of hope to come flooding into that persons heart.
Take heart my friends, though we may continue to ask for God to take the thorns out of our lives, rejoice when the answer comes to you that His grace is sufficient.
"...for My power is made perfect in weakness....” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Thusly,
"...I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10Take heart, for within you own weakness, God will make you stronger than you could ever be on your own.
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