Train the child in the way he should go, and he will not part form it. This paraphrased proverb is held as absolute fact when it comes to how parents raise their children. It is no small fact that if a child comes from an abusive home, he, in turn, will become abusive. In an orphanage, where only the necessities are given, children become withdrawn. Children who are happy and self-reliant come from homes where the parents set firm boundaries, but not so firm that they entrench on the child’s sense of control. If you compare a child’s views to that of his or her parent, you would find that they are mirrored with only the slightest difference in conviction strength compared to the origin.
When children are successful, we congratulate the parents of the child. The parents feel pride for their child as they see their hard work paying off. When a child messes up, it is another story. The parents will feel shame and wonder where they went wrong, while blame is piled on them from outside observers. Should these parents feel shame for their child’s shortcomings? Are their limits to parental influence?
Research on monozygotic and dizygotic twins shows that genetic influence children’s development. If you take a pair of monozygotic twins and separate them, their interests, personality, and abilities will be similar. This is because monozygotic twins are identical genetically. On the other hand, you have dizygotic twins who are not genetically identical. If you take these twins and keep them together, their personalities, abilities, and interests will differ.
Even though genetics play a key role in the development of a child, a child’s environment he is in also plays a significant role. In any environment, people will become what they will become. If you take a preschooler least favorite food and have his friends eat it in front of him, you will find that he soon cannot get enough of that food. If you have a child who is exposed to two different accents, one by the parents at home, and the other by his peers, he will pick up the accent of the later. In this we see that psychologist Judith Harris is correct when she argues that “for many aspects of development, direct people influence is minimal.”(p.46)
What does this all say about parenting? Firstly, we should change our focus from environment within the home, to the social environment that has shown to influence the child more. We also should be less judgmental on the parents of the kids who fail. Parents are not responsible for the child that comes to be, but rather they are responsible for training the child the best they can. In remembering this, we should also hold that we need to be slow to judge other parents, following Jesus’ command “Judge not.” (p.47)
This was a very insightful chapter on the influences surrounding children. My personal belief coming into this chapter was that parents are ultimately responsible for their children until they come of an age to where the child leaves the parents. I have seen so many children who are unruly to the point of being dangerous. In December of 2012, the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting took place. After the smoke cleared, and the dead were counted, everyone wanted reasons why this took place. Initially, I blamed the mother. The twenty year old boy had lived in his parent basement, refused contact with the outside world. He was obsessed with school shootings, focusing on the Columbine High School massacre. Why did the mother not see this and see that this was an unhealthy attitude. I then saw the reports on the boy. He was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome along with obsessive-compulsive disorder. He was suspected of schizophrenia due to attitudes present during adolescence. These were genetic problems with him that influenced his personality. In closing, I don’t believe that parents are to bear the full blame of the sins of their sons, but partially. Parents should be able to recognize dangerous behaviors and discern problematic situations. You cannot control every aspect of your child’s environment, but you can influence it and direct its path. If the parents of the twenty year old had paid attention to the warning signs of schizophrenia, or tried to influence the child in different ways, maybe that shooting could have been avoided.
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