Prelude to this Journal:
I had actually question posting this, since it deals with a very personal struggle of mine. I wrote most of it, and just sat on it for a couple weeks. Recently, I returned to this post and finished writing it, and decided that it may help someone through their day, or it might open someone's eyes up to new possibilities within their own struggles. It is my hope that this is the case, and that my honesty and openness be used to help others in their own struggles as they walk through life.
I often wonder at the thoughts twirling around in my own head. Will I be a success when I graduate from college? Will I create something that will benefit the lives of others? Will all my friends abandon me because of something stupid I will do? Will I ever truly find love? What if my life is destined to be misery?
To put all these things in perspective dear reader, I must confess something. I am a man who has suffered from anxiety and depression for years, and still battles it day in and day out. It is a plague that follows me wherever I go. It is like a dagger who's tip constantly digging into my heart. I have prayed earnestly for God to remove this pain from my life. To pull out the dagger from my heart, the thorn in my side, yet it has remained, causing me years of pain and suffering. This pain has caused me to question my mental well-being, my personal beliefs, and my faith in others. Why does this pain remain so constant in life? Why does it seem to flare up and attack me in my most vulnerable moments?
I have done a deep study of myself for years trying to figure out the question where this pain is originating from, how to get rid of it, and why it is so persistent. A lot of people look at me and tell me I am not praying hard enough, or that I am not deep enough in the word. They were uninterested in trying to understand the suffering, and only offer the cookie cutter advise to "pray about it." If only they could see the hours I have spent begging the Lord to take this away. The tears and heartbreak as I am on my knees pleading with our Lord to make it all stop. I have attended counseling, taken medications, talked to friends and family, requested prayer, been anointed in prayer, made steps to improve my spiritual life, and yet, the thorn persists.
While talking to a man over an online counseling center, I was prayed for, and told that it sounded like a direct attack from Satan to keep me from being what God intended me to be. I thought about this for a long time, and I can't say I totally disagree with the man. All the time that I have suffered through these problems of the mind, I have always blamed myself. I have viewed myself as weak, worthless, hopeless, and not worth the time or effort of others. If the fact though is that this is an attack by Satan, than the things that I am thinking are not true in the slightest. In fact, if I am so worth taking the effort to put stumbling blocks in place, to spend years keeping me off balance and making me question my self-worth, then does not that speak to my value?
But what of God? If He is so powerful, why does he allow this pain to persist? Surely, if these blocks were not in my path, I could accomplish so much more. How much of an impact could I have had on others lives, on my community, on my school if I did not feel the persistant stab of this thorn. I cannot speak of God's intentions, for His thoughts are above our own understanding. This, at times, sounds like a cop out answer, yet non of us hold the knowledge nor the wisdom that our Lord does, and even our wildest speculations cannot capture the true majesty of His plans.Yet, in saying this, we often do still speculate, as I am about to now.
I could talk of the struggle the caterpillar faces while turning into a butterfly, or the intense pressure and heat needed to create a diamond, or the pain and hardships of childbirth, or a great many things, yet all these have the same lesson behind them. Growth does not happen from nothing. Through pain, struggle, the thorns and daggers that face us, we grow. Sometimes, the pain stays with us for a long time. Sometimes it comes in the form of a chronic illness, sometimes as a death in the family, sometimes from a heartbreak, but in all these things, we are laid bare before He who knows us and we are allowed to grow. The trick of it all is allowing God to work through you, to allow Him to walk with you through the time of healing, and learn. For those with a chronic problem, whether it be depression, anxiety, or something more physical, it is an opportunity to continually grow. To learn that we are not meant to walk on this path alone. We have to be open to the people around us, to those who God has placed in our paths, and allow them to help us through it all. In this, we are both receiving and giving a blessing. The receiving is obvious, but we bless others with new understanding, new knowledge, new wisdom, in which they can take and apply in their own lives as they move forward to impact others.
This is probably one of the most exciting things about going forward to become a nurse, because as we care for our patients, we can bless them, and in return be blessed, yet in all this, we must remain open to the opportunity to be blessed.
I implore you, do not be jaded to the world around you, but rather look forward on ways you can impact the world around you. This applies to all occupations and people, from the doctor to the college student, we must constantly be asking the questions:
"How can I let the Lord shine through me, and be a blessing to those I encounter?
&
"How can I use my struggle to better understand and help those around me?"
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